There's a dog barking.....

......and I can't sleep.  Seems insomnia has been a problem for me all my life. I remember as  little girl sitting on my mom's lap and her having to smash an aspirin for me because I couldn't swallow pills and I remember many a night lying awake in my bed with my sister sound asleep and me there worrying about my dad who had gone out to turn the water. I could never really kick the anxiety until he was home. I'm sure the lack of meaningful sleep was what affected my moods as a child and as I look back, I can see that I've had this same problem all of my life. I try to take stuff, pills and such to help me sleep but most of them have the reverse affect.....I'm wired and my nerves are literally on end and I have to keep moving to even stand to be in my own skin. Not sure what is keeping me awake tonight. Lots of stuff going through my head. My sister just lost her husband to a terrible farm accident, the kind I thought would happen to my dad.....ironically, it was with my dad's tractor that Jay had. the accident. He tried to start it and it revved up and pulled him under the wheel. I lay awake worrying about my sister wondering what I can best do to help her. Then it takes me back to when I became a widow. I think I can understand what she is going through but it was so long ago. I remember even though I was surrounded by loving family and friends, I was still so alone without the love of my life by my side. I was so grateful he didn't have to suffer any more but I was so lonely. I had Lauri and Traci with me and we had a lot of fun but at the end of the day, I was alone. I feel like I tried really hard for normalcy. I did various things to keep me busy. I went back to work at the college which helped me a lot and I went on a mission....but in all of it, I was still alone. I learned to deal with it. I found out that I'm really a slob. I don't cook or clean unless I know someone is coming. Part of my sleep problem is that I lay awake thinking of all the time I have wasted in the day but then again, I have this beautiful property and home and when I'm doing nothing, I'm enjoying the beautiful surroundings and feeling so very blessed that I own it.....but then I get disgusted that I can't take care of it. I've always felt like everyone needs to learn the art of doing nothing. I do it well....I just don't feel good about it yet. Today is one of those days but I did get out on my scooter and went down to get the mail, a BLT at the Brandin' Iron and some ice cream. It was a good outing for me. Now....here I am, needing and wanting to sleep but the dogs are barking. I put my good ear down but I still know they are barking and it bugs me that people will let their dogs bark.

What did you do tonight?

I watched this movie and it was amazing and I feel like I need to say some stuff about it which might seem lame but I'm feeling it tonight and this is something I want to remember when I'm old without my memory and I'm reading my blog books and I come upon this entry and I smile because this post will for sure help me remember the feelings I am feeling right now.  First off, I had heard about the movie but didn't really know what it was about and now I've been introduced to the christian rock group, MercyMe of which I'm an instant fan. This is the back story of this particular song and apparently so many can relate to it because of the tender story of repentance, forgiveness, over-coming abuse and realizing dreams. I related in a lot of ways, not the abuse but the strong message of hope and triumph through finding Christ and I related because of my knowledge of the great Plan of Salvation. So, I'm going to blog about this movie, my thoughts, my sentiments.....you get the picture.  First and foremost....the character of whom this movie is about is Bart Willard. I first related to Bart's life because he was surprisingly cast in the school play as "Curly" in Oklahoma. I had to smile and remember the time Kyle got cast in the play. Bart was cast because someone accidentally heard him sing and cast him in the part. Kyle tried out and couldn't sing well but was cute enough that the director just figured he could make a singer out of him...and they tried but he was lots cuter than his voice was great (does that make sense?) but that got him by. I have to say it was one of the highlights of my parenting years as I would sneak over every afternoon and watch the play unfold right before my eyes and every night I would get chills as he walked down the isle singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" just a slight pitchy but it worked and he was a cute as heck "Curly". I was sure he was on his way to broadway as that same year Mr. Saxton cast him as Mortimer in "Arsenic and Old Lace".

What an awesome year that was. I write in an earlier post (click HERE) about the rising stars that are in our family and Emily and George have both been in lots of plays. Emily was in "Annie" this past year at her Middle School and had a solo which she performed very well and Scotty is now in "School of Rock" because of his wicked guitar skills. He was sought out. George has been in some plays....I just can't find pictures of everyone but I have a bunch of talented kids and I'm proud of their parents for all the $$$ they put out on lessons.
 I try to attend as many performances as I can. George had a piano recital, Molly had her first dance review, Evan is an award-winning story teller and I'm sure there will be lots more to come in the future. Add in the sports teams they are on and it can all keep this grandma pretty busy but I love them all so much. Wow, I have really digressed from the beginning of this blog which is about a movie I watched tonight so I'm going to move on (I'll do another blog on just my grandkids. They all have stuff they are talented in). 
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So this movie was about a song by the same name "I Can Only Imagine" and it was about the abuse he had to overcome from his father. While there are so many that have that kind of physical abuse in their lives, there are those that have other kinds and this was a movie about overcoming. I especially loved how they portrayed the moment he was finally able to forgive his dad and help him die. I related as I have just helped my mother die. Though I had a great childhood, I feel like her older, declining years were full of a lot of controlling and somewhat verbal abuse at times but I want to remember her for the mother that I truly miss today.....the one I would call to brag to about my wonderful family; the one I would call and tell her what was happening in my life and I miss the mom that cared. I learned that when we grow old, we become so obsessed with that stage of life that it's hard to have the dialogue I used to have with her when she was young and I was raising my kids. I would call her for everything....what to do about a crying baby, how to know when to take them to the doctor and to just let her know all of their milestones as I was raising them. I sure do miss that mom that I knew. I miss that every day and I still want to pick up the phone and tell her how my day was and how wonderful it is here in Pine Valley and that I wish she could come here. Bart's father told him that it was a big mistake to dream. Sometimes, as parents we might say some things that stay in our kids heads. I know I've held on to a lot of those from my mom but it is possible to rise above and change. Bart didn't think his father could ever change and he was able to watch it happen before his own eyes and he was able to be with him when he died. I was glad for the time I was able to be with my mom. I wish I had said a lot more things to her but I do remember one day I was with her in the hospital and she looked at me and told me I was beautiful. I don't ever recall her saying that to me.  It meant so much.  I can never erase any of the negatives I may have said or done to my children but I can start now to make sure it's positive voices they hear in their heads. Bart fulfilled his dream....and I know through his faith he was able to accomplish what he did through Jesus Christ as we all can. We can do way more with our lives with His help than we can on our own. I know His hand is in my life and I have guardian angels all around me. A topic for another blog. Go see the movie. I'm going to buy it and watch it at least once a year. A great message for all to hear.

George graduated....

..from Dixie High School last month and it's really hard to believe that he's old enough to do that but his dad graduated from there in 1991 and his grandmother (me) graduated from there in 1968 and his grandfather graduated from there 1940...something and that school has been going for a good long time steeped in lots of tradition and that's what I love about it. I've watched my kids and now my kids kids doing a lot of the same things I did, bleeding blue...."so three cheers for Dixie High to thee we will be true......"

I'm so glad I saved my sweater and Kyle's. This is at George's graduation celebration in Pine Valley. Had to take advantage of this photo op......so cool. I was Studentbody Secretary as was George and Kyle was Fiscal Officer.  

I'm so very proud of this boy. When we found out he had a hearing loss, thoughts of "whatever will happen to him" entered my mind but he has musical talent out the wazoo and is kind and funny and generous and has perfect pitch, sings, plays the piano, has been in clubs, Madrigals, plays, drum line, band, and has gotten really good grades, has lots of friend, girls want to date him, boys want to be like him and he's so unaware of his coolness that it's refreshing. He earned his Diamond D and experienced everything Dixie has to offer and excelled at it all. George is off to other adventures now. Not sure what but we are excited to see. Love you George Elliott Wells. 

Dixie High School, established 1911 and still going strong. Click HERE to read all about it.

What did you do today?

I read a book.  Yep, all day I read and read but would hear my mom in my head saying I must get something done so I put in a load of laundry then I read......then I picked up around the house then I read. I've never done that before, read a book in a day and it was so awesome. I read this.....and it was a good read for me..but I'm also excited for the many that I want to read.

I've been watching less and less t.v. lately and that's good. Still addicted to my news but even that I can without if I'm busy doing something. Never bored in Pine Valley.  The kids came the other day and we had a pow-wow and talked about all the things there were to do in Pine Valley when one is bored and it is good for kids to be bored and have to figure out for themselves what to do. Then we talked about the three rules....1. Shut the doors. I have all kinds of critters trying to come into this house and also moths and flies and other flying insects. 2. Can't go into grandma's bedroom and 3. Put things away when you are done playing with them. Grandma is getting too old to pick up things. They did pretty good. It's always fun to have visitors. Scott was up making Randy Pancakes even before I got up. Harry asked Scott "what are Randy pancakes" and he said "pancakes that you have in Pine Valley." Good answer. Wish I would have taken a picture of him. He made them all by himself and they were delicious. He calls them "randcakes".

     Today was like Christmas. I had hired a guy to manicure my yards and he came today with his crew of two. It was so exciting to watch my beautiful front yard become even more beautiful. I got busy and got the porches ready for summer. Now I've just got to spend some time inside and get things clean and ready for company. I'm planning on a lot this summer and excited.

A new tradition I have started is tea parties for the girls and root beer bashes for the boys. 

Joyce even joined me one day last week for High Tea. We are both quite enamored with Meghan Markle and Harry and all the royal hoopla. 

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Instead of painting birdhouses this summer we are going to paint rocks. I'm so excited as I have so many creative grandchildren and guests and I hope everyone will take time to paint a rock to contribute to my rock garden. Time for High Tea. Just so you know what is High Tea. I only include desserts as dinner follows. It's just to calm your hungers before dinner two hours later. I have mine at 3:00 p.m................................................
English High Tea usually involved a mug of tea, bread, vegetables, cheese and occasionally meat. Variations on high tea could include the addition of pies, potatoes and crackers. 

A new season...

....is trying very hard to arrive here in paradise and it has been fun watching it. I do love all four seasons and living in a place where they all happen and I can watch Mother Nature bring each one on. This one has been difficult. The snow just keeps wanting to show it's face and butt in on spring but I think we are finally into the new season......however, snow is predicted for Wednesday so I haven't really planted anything but the daffodils and tulips have bloomed and the leaves are sprouting on the trees as I type this. The birds are out in all their varieties, some more photogenic than others

 

and the turkeys are once again roosting in our tree every evening at 8:23. We love watching them haul their huge bodies in the air and then cling to a branch where they spend the night. Such a fun nightly activity for us.  I've just completed my 4th winter in Pine Valley and I enjoy the solitude of that season very much. We had Jeff Gardner install a mini-split system for us that has helped to heat the house and make it so I only need one fire a day. It's been a wonderful addition to our home.

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SPEAKING OF NEW BEGINNINGS.......

It's been three months since Mom passed away and I think about her every day and miss her so very much. Thoughts of life and death and my own mortality fill my thoughts each day and I have reflected on her life and the things I learned from her and there are many lessons that I try to incorporate into my life each day. She left a wonderful legacy. Here are a few pictures from her funeral that I would like to remember.

I think she would have approved of the program we put together in her honor. She loved her family more than anything and we tried to involved every one as we shared our love and memories of her. She especially loved her grandchildren and she would have loved the choir. They were all there.

I'm so grateful for my siblings and the help and support we were to each other at this time.

I love the casket spray that we were able to honor her with. She taught me to love gardenias and we were able to intersperse them into a lovely red rose and white lilly arrangement. Dad always loved her in red and he always gave her red roses. It was February so the month of "love" and red.

The great grandchildren were invited to come up and help tuck her in for her final journey. So touching. They were all so precious to her.

The most touching end to a wonderful tribute was Ernie Doose, a good friend of mine and hers singing "Just For Now".....written for Dixie College by Roene DiFiore........"and that's why we hate saying adieu, to our friends who are so tried and true.....but we must, thought it's just, for now."

She was most proud of her grand sons and I know she loved this tender moment, their last tribute to a grandmother they all loved and respected.

The Barber cousins that were at the funeral. Always fun times when we get together. Lots of good memories. Too bad that funerals are the only reunions we have. Love my cousins....every one.  I wonder every day what she is doing....knowing full well that she is about doing good which she always did here and I really feel like she is still very much a part of my life. I know she is at peace as she was in such turmoil in her earthly life and I know she is happily reunited with her loved ones there. 

Mom loved her family......Easter a few years back, about the last time we were all together for her birthday celebration.

...and I love my mom. She gave me a wonderful childhood and a sister. What more could a little girl want.(I love my brothers but not like my sister). I held her as she died and I hope she heard me whisper the "thank yous" and "I love yous".  To my mom.....Leila Barber Sullivan, best mom ever.

It is about the Birks.....

....and it all started with a conversation with Emily (my granddaughter) about various high school classmates of which she was able to paint a very excellent verbal picture for me of these various people she surrounds herself with daily (all good) and with a curious mind, I asked how she would describe me....."so Em, what am I? Describe me."  With no hesitation she replied...."You are my grandma, the hippie (I could use hippy but I prefer hippie in this case)." "Really? A hippie?" "Yep, you live in the mountains, you love butterflies, you feed the birds and you love nature." Well, I was flattered and that is all true but I lived in the 60's and I don't think I fit into the category of a hippie from that era i.e....drugs, free love, dread locks, you get the picture.  I asked her for a more thorough explanation..."Oh, grandma, it's all about the fashion".  We bantered back and forth and I told her I'd have to get me some bell bottoms and flowered shirts and some headbands".  Evan piped in at this time and said..."That's not it grandma. You wear comfortable clothes." Here I am sitting in the sun on a winter day in Pine Valley with my oversized sweatshirt (no bra) XL pajama pants and yes....the light went on. "It's my Birkenstocks, isn't it? (Today I actually had on my Uggs but that's just the house slipper form of Birks.)  So I did my research and here's what I found. The dictionary definition of "hippie" includes things like......... A hippie (sometimes spelled hippy)^[1][2] is a member of a counterculture, originally a youth movement that began in the United States during the mid-1960s and spread to other countries around the world. The word hippie came from hipster and used to describe beatniks who moved into New York City's Greenwich Village and San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury district. The term hippie first found popularity in San Francisco by Herb Caen, a journalist for the San Francisco Chronicle. 

Other things I think about when I think of hippies is LSD which I won't try and marijuana which I will try if it will keep me from pain and nausea (and if it's legal) and being anti-everything which I am pretty much anti-nothing: however, I must add here that my recent personality test when the score was tallied up, out of the following: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger or Rebel, I am a rebel so I guess I could be in the category of anti-something. I think it's just that I like to fly by the seat of my pants, hate having a schedule, don't like being told what to do and like to wander, in nature, with comfortable clothes on. In a survey I found online entitled "33-signs-you-might-be-a-hippy",  the only one I fit in was #11 "wears socks with Birkenstocks". Yes, I do that, because I wear my Birks year 'round and it gets mighty cold up here in the winter. Another hippie thing is that I make fires every day and sit in front of them sometimes strumming my guitar. Oh, and today for lunch I had this.....avacado on 7 grain bread. I know some vegetarians and I have some vegans in my family and while I admire them greatly, I just can't do "organic" completely because to me, sugar is a food group. I do love my quiet, serene, peaceful hippie life here in Pine Valley so I'll embrace it and as I live off the grid, feed my birds, chase my butterflies, and drink my Fresca (not a hippie thing but totally a 60's thing) I'm happy to embrace it and be what Emily says....."My Grandma the Hippie".