There's a dog barking.....

......and I can't sleep.  Seems insomnia has been a problem for me all my life. I remember as  little girl sitting on my mom's lap and her having to smash an aspirin for me because I couldn't swallow pills and I remember many a night lying awake in my bed with my sister sound asleep and me there worrying about my dad who had gone out to turn the water. I could never really kick the anxiety until he was home. I'm sure the lack of meaningful sleep was what affected my moods as a child and as I look back, I can see that I've had this same problem all of my life. I try to take stuff, pills and such to help me sleep but most of them have the reverse affect.....I'm wired and my nerves are literally on end and I have to keep moving to even stand to be in my own skin. Not sure what is keeping me awake tonight. Lots of stuff going through my head. My sister just lost her husband to a terrible farm accident, the kind I thought would happen to my dad.....ironically, it was with my dad's tractor that Jay had. the accident. He tried to start it and it revved up and pulled him under the wheel. I lay awake worrying about my sister wondering what I can best do to help her. Then it takes me back to when I became a widow. I think I can understand what she is going through but it was so long ago. I remember even though I was surrounded by loving family and friends, I was still so alone without the love of my life by my side. I was so grateful he didn't have to suffer any more but I was so lonely. I had Lauri and Traci with me and we had a lot of fun but at the end of the day, I was alone. I feel like I tried really hard for normalcy. I did various things to keep me busy. I went back to work at the college which helped me a lot and I went on a mission....but in all of it, I was still alone. I learned to deal with it. I found out that I'm really a slob. I don't cook or clean unless I know someone is coming. Part of my sleep problem is that I lay awake thinking of all the time I have wasted in the day but then again, I have this beautiful property and home and when I'm doing nothing, I'm enjoying the beautiful surroundings and feeling so very blessed that I own it.....but then I get disgusted that I can't take care of it. I've always felt like everyone needs to learn the art of doing nothing. I do it well....I just don't feel good about it yet. Today is one of those days but I did get out on my scooter and went down to get the mail, a BLT at the Brandin' Iron and some ice cream. It was a good outing for me. Now....here I am, needing and wanting to sleep but the dogs are barking. I put my good ear down but I still know they are barking and it bugs me that people will let their dogs bark.